


Everlasting marks of love

by dresdenlies



Series: Cheesy title, fucked up fic [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Biphobia, Breaking Up & Making Up, Cheating, Cheesy title fucked up fic, Coming Out, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Guns, Homophobic Language, Implied Police Brutality, Jealousy, Language, Miscommunication, Mutual Abuse, POV Allison, Self-Harm, Sexism, Unhealthy Relationships, implied PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:01:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dresdenlies/pseuds/dresdenlies
Summary: DRAMA || “I think we should make another baby.”Allison lets her heavy bag fall on the floor with a thud upon hearing those words, staring blankly. Leonard himself looks like he barely believes them, and that alone is very telling. He's sure that it's the right solution to make up for...Well, a lot of stuff.
Relationships: Allison Prime/The Director | Dr. Leonard Church
Series: Cheesy title, fucked up fic [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980902
Comments: 14
Kudos: 14
Collections: RvB Fill in the Blanks





	1. Chapter one

“I think we should make another baby.”

Allison lets her heavy bag fall on the floor with a thud upon hearing those words, staring blankly. Leonard himself looks like he barely believes them, and that alone is very telling. He's sure that it's the right solution to make up for...Well, a lot of stuff.

Carolina is difficult to handle, especially with both parents being so busy with their jobs, but maybe giving her a sibling is all they need to restore the excitement, to go back to 'the honeymoon phase'. A perhaps counterintuitive example, but that is what came to his mind. Because he's an idiot, but that is nothing new.

It's cute of him, sure, but it's not with cuteness that you fix a broken marriage. Not when it's broken to this point. Allison knows she was not without fault, yet even when she tries to get better and fix her mistakes – and she tries hard – he yells at her. Because he's an asshole, and that, too, is nothing new.

“I literally just got home and you greet me with that.”

“I know, I just-- ...Nevermind.” he shakes his head “I made dinner.”

“I already ate out. I'm just gonna--” she interrupts herself with a yawn “I'm just gonna take off this shitty uniform and go to sleep.”

“Alright.” he mumbles “Can I give you a massage?”

“Why are you horny all of a sudden, today?”

Her tone gets a put out expression out of him, and then an irritated one.

“I'm not 'horny', I--”

“Thought so.” she scoffs as she takes off the hat of her uniform “Speaking of children, where is the one we already have? Short, green eyes, pigtails, don't know if you're familiar.”

“Carolina is asleep. She wanted to wait for you to have dinner together, but it was getting late already, so she ate on her own.”

“Didn't you keep her company?” she rolls her eyes. Of course he'd leave her alone “You went straight to your computer and your goddamn prototype, didn't you?”

“I had all the time to work after she went to bed. You've been out for a _long_ while.”

Oh. So he wants to go there, huh?! The evergreen 'you're never there' argument. You're never with me, you stay out for days, for months, you don't care about me, you don't love me as much as I love you.

“I wasn't out there having _fun_ , you know.”

“I didn't say anything.” he walks into the kitchen, she follows him for a couple of steps and notices he's emptying two plates of soup into the sink. She squints.

“Why two plates?”

“One was mine and the other was yours. Figured the two of us could have dinner together at least, but not today.”

“You could have put that shit back into the pot instead of wasting food.”

“Doesn't matter.” he piles them without washing them “I'm not hungry, anyway.”

“Did you even have lunch?” she raises an eyebrow. Is he not eating out of spite? She thinks he's not eating out of spite.

“I'm not a fucking kid.” he growls through his teeth.

“Did you?”

“I don't fucking remember.”

Allison clenches her fists. He's acting like she wants to start a fight when she just has to check up on him because he can't take care of himself. How he keeps Carolina alive is beyond her...But they're working it out. She has talked to her psychologist during training, told him about her anger issues, the arguments, the...Well, she told him everything. Because she truly wants to get better, and be a better person.

She knows that fighting to make the world a better place for Carolina somehow is still not enough. She hates it, but she will do what it takes. She has to be patient with Leonard. If only because she's doing it for Carolina.

“Whatever. I'm gonna take a shower.”

Leonard doesn't say anything and nods. He observes her from the bed as she showers in their private bathroom with the door open. Both have a distant look in their eyes, with Allison thinking about all the things she has to do, and Leonard just thinking about her. He's worshipping her with his eyes, and continues to do so while she dries off and wears her sleeping clothes.

She gets under the sheets, and he clings to her hugging her from behind, with his chin on her shoulder. He strokes her hand, because he's that needy. She wants to elbow him in the face, but she doesn't. Upon hearing him gasp, she concludes that maybe she should have.

“I'm too tired, let's postpone this argument to tomorrow. Along with the sex so that I can make up for it.”

“You think that that's gonna make up for it?!”

“I said no arguments.” she dismisses him coldly. Maybe she should have chosen more covering sleeping clothes for the occasion. His blind ass can only not notice hickeys from a certain distance.

“But you _did_ cheat.” he tries to say as flatly as possible, as to simply state a fact. He's relatively successful, because Allison thinks his tone isn't nearly as angry or heartbroken as he is. He loves her so much, for whatever reason. She loves him too, and she's sorry, but she can't help but get defensive.

“That's never stopped you before.”


	2. Chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison gets around a lot. She doesn't like when others decide what her priorities should be.

A dragging noise breaks the silence in the cramped office. Allison rolls her eyes and shifts in her seat as well. She has to talk about her concerns and all those things that are so unrelated to her profession that she doesn't understand how is this waste of time allowed. She doesn't have performance issues, she does just fine on the job.

“Why are we doing this, again?”

“Your Commanding Officer has already admonished you for your behaviour.”

“I'm a valid asset to the team, it's not my fault that those idiots were having a brawl in the mess hall. I just put a stop to it.”

“By sending both of them to the infirmary?” the therapist gives her a tired look. By looking in his eyes she figures that he thinks of her as a meatheaded timebomb with her hands itching to punch someone. He's not easing that itch.

“They were the ones asking for trouble. I'm not picking up any more fights than necessary, I'm a team player.”

“I beg to differ.” he adjusts his rounded glasses which somehow keep slipping from his face – does this idiot not know how to buy a pair of glasses that are the right size? - and casually looks through the documents “Many of your teammates lamented that you are displaying an increasingly aggressive behaviour.”

“Many of my teammates don't know what they are talking about.”

“Right...”

“Can't we just, I don't know, skip to the straightforward questions already? You think I have anger issues, don't you?”

“I think there's something that is _causing_ said anger issues.” he points out “More so this week than in the past.”

Allison massages her temples and sighs. Does she really have to vent about her marriage? It's stupid, she should focus on her training at least until the weekend when she comes home.

“My husband wants to have another baby, I don't want to and that's causing tension, can I _go_ now?”

~

Alright, maybe it was stupid. Really stupid, to be that confrontational during the therapy session. The whole hour sucked and the conversation went absolutely nowhere. She doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, and thankfully the person she's spending time with isn't big on talking.  
Private John Dixon likes to make noise just like her, though, and seems to enjoy the thuds a bit too much when she hits her back against the lockers more and more loudly as the pace increases. Her moans especially are immodestly loud, she just keeps holding onto him wrapping her legs around him more tightly.

“Ah...! F-fuck!” she digs her nails in his shoulder, he attempts to smirk down at her but his expression is far too strained. Yet he still wants to show he is having the upper hand.

“You're not so tough anymore, huh?”

“You're only fucking me because I'm letting you.” she pants “You'd be already dead if I didn't want this.”

“Good for you that we're all still alive, then.” he provokes her, then slightly leans in to whisper in her ear “Who fucks you better, me or Nichols?”

“You think that y'all are the dicks I have trouble choosing from?” she emits a breathy laugh, then bites her lip to hold back a gasp as he trusts harder in defiance.

“Who fucks you good, then? Can't remember the name?”

“Davis does pretty good.” she laughs again.

He stops for a brief moment “Davis, really? That little bastard?”

“He's not short _everywhere_ , you know.” she laughs again, but Dixon doesn't respond and simply keeps going on silently. She doesn't know if she hates him more when he taunts her or when he's silent, because when he's silent she hears herself more than she would like to. A part of her wants everyone to hear, in order to prove a point, but she still doesn't know what said point is.

None of these idiots are interesting, it's all just sex. Sex shouldn't have to be serious all the time, sex should be just fun every now and then, and playing with the same toy all the time is not fun even if it's your favourite toy, she thinks. Yes, that's a good analogy. Would Leonard really be her favourite if she didn't have anyone to compare him with? It's only fair, she always comes back to him for the real stuff, the serious stuff, and when she doesn't want to be serious she can play with this douchebag instead. Yeah, good, fuck it, she can like to be cummed in even without wanting a baby. Oh yes, that is the point, she concludes. Right there. Right there. Yes. That's the spot, yes.

Oh God, she's so wet she feels disgusting. Pulsating, pulsating _hard_ – man, she just wants to suck it all in so hard she rips his fucking skin off, fuck, all of him, make him collapse as a stupid mass of bones about to turn to dust, rip skin off his shoulders by scratching it off so hard, erase that fucking smug face he's making, make him bleed, destroy him, anything to compensate for how fucking close she is, she hates all men so fucking much, she wonders why shes has to put up with them to get fucked like that, oh yeah, just like that. Just like that. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

He insists on pulling out, squeezing his eyes closed, but she wraps herself around him desperately, she doesn't know if she's actually coming across as desperate but she is, and all she gets in response is that dickhead dropping her and throwing her on the cold floor as she cums with a scream. She feels exposed all of a sudden as she feels the air between her thighs, and Dixon has to sit down. Both pant a lot in silence as they try to get themselves together. Eventually, Allison sits next to him.

“What the fuck was that about?” Dixon pretends to care as he pops his neck and spine.

“You don't care.”

“I do if my dick is involved.”

“Fair enough.” she moves a sticky curl off her forehead “It's because of the goddamn counseling. They pissed me off with all their questions and I had to get distracted somehow.”

“Uh oh. What did they say?”

“Nothing, that I have anger issues. The usual.” she shrugs, then curls her nose “Also that since my husband wants to have another baby then I should evaluate stuff and think about it, even if I explicitly said that I don't want to. Tell me, do _you_ get questioned when your bitch says she wants to have your babies?”

“I'm not following you.” he furrows his brows but he is not really thinking, he's just staring blankly at the lockers in front of him “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, you know damn well what I'm talking about. They think I should step back, because 'what if I want to embrace motherhood', because that's what they think a woman's place is.”

“You're really gonna rant again about that shit?”

Allison inhales through her nose. Of course he's bored by that, because what the fuck does that caveman know about any of that shit, he can get away with anything. She'll get called aggressive for doing anything that a man does normally, but men won't be expected to be fathers unless they knock up someone, and even then they'll find some excuse if they don't want to take that responsibility, but no, she should think about the family, she should give Leonard a child because he requested it.  
As if he actually wants a fucking baby, he just wants to get her into trouble – no, better, he just wants to take her away from where she belongs so that he can pat himself on the back for keeping her out of trouble, because if she's pregnant then she has to stay home and she won't get shot, right? What a good samaritan he is, he thinks he's so sweet, huh? Well, he's a fucking asshole. Not only that, he still has the audacity to gush about how they fell in love in the military and he admired her vocation, too, even if he wants to change that very thing and take it away?

She shakes her head, gets up, gets dressed, and goes back to her training. She knows she has to cool off, for a peaceful living, for Carolina, but she is not sure how. She focuses all week on trying to get rid of this feeling. When Friday night arrives and she's turning the key into the door she thinks that she's done just fine. All her worries vanish for a second as she sees little Carolina run towards her full of joy.

“Mommy! You're back!”

“Carolina!” she catches her and lifts her high “Of course I'm back!”

“I've missed you!”

“I've missed you too.” she pecks her on the forehead “Where's daddy?”

“Daddy's in the lab. He said you were coming very late, he's gonna be so happy that you're here now!”

“Let's go downstairs and make him a surprise, shall we?” smiles Allison.

“Yay! Let's go!”

Allison carries her daughter as she descends the stairs to look for Leonard, and she does find him sitting on the floor, an empty bottle in his hand. Whatever he was building is shattered in hundreds of pieces all over the table, the computer looks like it's been left untouched for a couple of hours.

“Daddy, look! Mommy's back!” Carolina announces happily but he doesn't respond, she's not even sure he heard her “Daddy?”

Allison senses there's something wrong, and puts Carolina down “I think daddy is really tired. We'll celebrate tomorrow after we've all had some sleep.”

“Okay, mommy.” Carolina waits for her to reach her for the goodnight kiss “Goodnight.”

As the kid walks back upstairs on her own, Allison moves a couple of steps to get closer. Leonard is not very responsive but he seems to have seen her as he slightly shifts his glance to her direction. A faint, sad, guilty smile forms on his face.

“I promise tomorrow it will be done.” he nods towards the table.

“I don't tell you how to do your job.” she tries to be dismissive, but she realizes she let her previous bad thoughts slip “Take all the time you need, what the fuck do I know about your prototypes and gadgets and--”

“You think I'm a wimp.” he doesn't hide the sadness in his tone, which is baffling. Where did that even come from? Why does he always come up with an accusation every single time?

“I think you're stressing out for no reason.”

“Yeah, well I have plenty of reasons to be stressed.”

“And let me guess, I'm all of them, ain't I?” she shakes her head as he doesn't respond “But you can't guilt trip me into staying. Not anymore.”


	3. Chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite the coldness of the argument, Leonard and Allison allow themselves to have some intimacy. Leonard is clearly unwell during both situations.

A sudden nervousness runs through her body like an electric shock. Leonard is gonna bitch about everything one more time, and maybe he'll look at her with those absurdly expressive, absurdly pretty eyes that he has and that will throw her in the same loop one more time, and then--

“So what are we telling Carolina?”

“You're _pathetic_.” the nervousness turns into the usual anger and disgust “You're trying to use Carolina as an excuse to trap me in this, you wanted to use another baby we don't even have as an excuse to trap me in this. You know her routine is not gonna change, I'll come back on weekends to see her like I already do.”

“Can we start being divorced from Monday? Or at least tomorrow?” he scoffs as he slowly gets up, he doesn't have much balance “I'm too tired and drunk to even _comprehend_ your bullshit right now.”

“Can you walk upstairs on your own or do I have to carry you like the princess you are?”

“Just let me die here, or else you'd think I'm trying to dissuade your or something.”

“Ugh, fine.” she approaches him and wraps his arm around her shoulder “I'll take you to bed just to make you shut up.”

That fucking asshole enjoys it way too much, with his head resting on her shoulder while she walks him to their bedroom. Despite the cold colours, the room looks like it's trying to be inviting, and failing. Trying too hard. Even rooms are unbearable now...And the pictures of their wedding – _both_ weddings - , still up even though she had put them face down. Leonard must've put them back like that. Why doesn't he want to understand that it's over?!

She throws him on the bed rather indelicately, and he whines because of course he whines. She takes off his shoes and socks, then his belt. She unbuttons his stupid pants – they _are_ stupid, what kind of scientist wears ripped jeans? No matter how good he looks in them, he looks good in everything but he still looks like a douchebag, mainly because he is one. Fuck it, let's tug these stupid pants down already.

He tenses up when he realizes, but it's too late. Allison sees them, the fresh cuts on his thighs. She knows that getting angry won't solve anything, because he can't carry the conversation right now, but she has to check for his wrists and more and more cuts appear as she rolls up his sleeves. She rips off his shirt, more cuts on his tummy. All fresh. Is this how he spent the whole fucking week?!

“You said you were going to stop.” she grits her teeth, fists clenched. Now he'll try to sass her, she knows he'll try to fucking sass her because that's how he deals with shit instead of being an adult, he acts petty like a dumbass kid.

“I don't give a fuck.” he sits on his elbows, adjusting his stupid glasses on his stupid face. She almost broke the glasses. Shame, because she wanted to break his entire face.

“If you die I can't watch Carolina all week, you know, and even if I did, you wouldn't be here for it so you're pretty much fucking up your own game.”

“You really think that that's why I cut myself, you stupid bitch?! To get your attention?!”

“Am I wrong?” she crosses her arms, her tone stern and serious. Leonard's lips quiver for a moment and then he turns on his side, sneaking under the covers.

“Think what you want. Goodnight.”

Allison shakes her head, changes into a babydoll dress and gets in bed as well, facing the opposite way. She expects to wake up with him trying to hold her, but in the middle of the night she finds herself alone in the empty bed. There's a slice of light coming from under the door of their private bathroom. Oh God, what is he doing now? He must be throwing up from drinking too much like the fucking idiot he is. She opens the door and looks at him. He seems alright, just sitting on the closed toilet lid, causally reading books about engineering.

“It's 3 am.” she groans “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Felt sick for a moment, got fine immediately. Figured I might as well read.”

“Why?”

“To go on with my project.”

“The undersuit?”

“Yeah.” he seems almost more relaxed, even slightly excited all of a sudden “I'm making it so that the AI implanted through neural implants can operate the suit and the armour attached to it. The user will be able to command it like a technological wheelchair, via eye movement or tongue movement, depending on--”

“I'm not gonna come out of the war a tetraplegic, Leonard.” she rolls her eyes. Look at him, trying so hard with the 'look how sweet I am', he's not sweet at all, he just wants to remind her that war is dangerous and that she shouldn't go. He's only helping the disabled with his prosthetic shit because he feels like he's in debt for being a wimp. Fake, fake, fake asshole. He just wants to keep her inside.

“If not you, then somebody else will, and I want to provide something for them.”

“Right, because you're so selfless...”

“You know what? Fuck you, if you don't want to hear me talk about this then next time don't fucking ask.”

“Cool. I won't.”

A brief moment of silence follows, but just when Allison turns and reaches for the door handle to go back to their bedroom, Leonard calls her.

“Wait...!”

“What?”

“If you still want to...Y'know...”

“Mhm?” she raises an eyebrow.

“If you still want to, I have our...Thing ready.”

She peeks into their room, sees something on the bedside table. A grin appears on her face and her voice gets sultry.

“Let's go.”

Leonard follows her slowly, she can perceive his anticipation. She turns quickly and pulls him by his arm, gets him with his hands on the bed, holding him from behind. With her left hand, she reaches for her gun on the table, passes it to her right hand and forces it against his head, pressing it down. Runs it down his spine as he's bent over, making him feel the cold metal. He shakes visibly, the fucking bitch, finally he doesn't say anything and just waits for her to do whatever she wants.

For some reason, Allison feels the need to give him a little kiss next to the gun. Many little kisses following its movements, from his lower back to his neck, progressing into a hickey and then into a hard bite. He moans in pain, he loves the pain, and the gun is once again pointed to his back as she slightly tugs down his underwear. Gun now sliding down, between his cheeks, further down to his loins. His breath hitches, but oh, she wants him more nervous then that. Up and down, up and down again. Up, down, up, oh yes, nice, she's going to tease him more. The barrel's lining up just fine, ah yes, she'll push it in just a little bit. What a lovely gasp, he makes. A little bit more. Now he's hissing, of course he is. She takes it out abruptly.

“Wh-what are you doing...?” he slightly turns to look back at Allison, but she hits him with the butt of the gun, because why the fuck would he do that? He's supposed to be completely relying on her, not voicing any doubt and just letting her do what he wants her to do after all.

“Did I fucking tell you that you could move?! Did I?!” she hits him repeatedly “Get on the bed.”

As soon as he obeys, Allison quickly jumps onto him, with the gun pointed exactly in the middle of his forehead. God, he looks like a fucking tiger with all those stripes on his skin from the cuts, she hates him. He doesn't know what to do with his hands, and almost moves them, but she orders him to keep them up:

“Keep 'em there.”

Leonard seems more than happy to comply, giving her an adoring glance as she straddles him, still making him feel the metal of the gun, and he bites his lip seeing how her finger slides up and down long the trigger, she's caressing it gently, rubbing it a bit like she would rub her clit. She has no panties under her dress and he can feel her wetting his underwear. The bastard is so proud about it, isn't he? He wants to reach for it, take his dick out, but she presses the gun harder against his head. No, fuck you, I want to do it myself.

She does it with much delight, and finally lowers herself onto him with a loud moan. Her arms tremble a bit as she restarts straddling, and she can't help but lower the gun a bit as she straddles harder and harder, faster and faster. He, too, moans so loud under her. He loves how the straps of her dress are too loose and her tits just jump out, and fuck, she hates it, because she _loves_ it, it makes her feel like a fucking slut, she just wants to fuck, because she likes it, she's not a stupid fucking delicate princess who has to act frigid – fuck everything, she's fucking _free_.

She regains control a little bit, now the gun is against Leonard's chin and he seems more restrained in his movements. The bastard fucking loves it, of course he loves it, she has to do everything, what a fucking wimp, she hates him. Man, does she want to just fucking shoot him, fuck him and kill him, kill him and fuck him. Harder and harder, yes, harder...She can already taste the final moments of whenever they play this fucked up game, the click of the empty gun shooting as they cum in sync. Oh, but he has to earn it still, he's her fucking bitch and he won't cum until she gets her way.

She forces the thumb of her free hand in his mouth. Pushes it further and then grins as his mouth opens, accompanies the movement of it sliding out. Ah yes, here comes her favourite part, when she pushes the barrel in his mouth, who fucking cares that she just shoved it up his asshole, he's her bitch and he'll take it. His moans are even more delightful when they're muffled, God he's so fucking hot, she'd love to see him suck dick, he'd do great. Up and down, up and down, she's still straddling him yet he bobs his head just so fluidly, like the fucking slut he is, she hates him, she hates him so fucking much. Ah, but it feels so good. So good. She wants more, more, more. Ah, yes, she's close, it's still gonna take a few minutes for him, because it always takes him forever to cum, the stupid frigid bastard, she loves him, and oh _God_ does she want to pull that fucking trigger now. They're getting more and more sweaty, too, hearts pounding, oh God they're gonna fucking die, she's always known it was the only way to stop arguing, but holy fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck it, she holds the gun with both hands. She's ready, she's gonna pull that damn trigger, she feels like she's been waiting for it forever. She slows down only slightly to catch some breath and focus. Okay. Yes, she's going to do it now. Shoot in his fucking mouth. Finally.

She'll count down from three.

_Three._

_Two._

_One._

She's suddenly interrupted by Carolina calling her from the other room.

“Mommy?”

Startled by that, she flinches away from Leonard, and a loud gunshot follows, hitting the wall in front of her, leaving a hole. She pants, disoriented for a second. Then suddenly her body goes from hot to chilling, disturbed, nauseous. Scared, almost. The gun was supposed to be empty as per usual.

_He fucking loaded it_.


	4. Chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison holds back her anger after the horrific episode of last night. During breakfast, however, she can't take it anymore.

It takes her a moment before she can fully process. Fully process that her husband is a fucking idiot, tonight even more than usual, that he just tried to _trick her into shooting him in his fucking mouth_. Boo hoo, how will I live without you, boo hoo, if I have to lose you then I don't wanna fucking live, boo hoo, why aren't you appreciating my efforts of keeping my dick up when it clearly fell off in 2003 and I have been a pussy ass sissy boy since then, boo hoo, don't leave. Fucking stupid piece of shit, is it too late to accept the offer and just shoot him point blank?

“MOMMY, WHAT WAS THAT?” Carolina is terrified of the sudden shot, like a normal fucking person would. Allison has absolutely no idea how she's going to explain this to her. She simply adjusts the straps of her dress with her free hand and heads to her daughter's room, gun still in hand. It's not practical nor safe, but Carolina at least is smart enough to know that getting shot isn't a good thing.

“Carolina, are you okay?”

“I'm fine, but why were you screaming? And what was that noise?”

“It was nothing, don't worry about it. Daddy and I were just playing.”

“But don't you always say that you shouldn't play with those?” the girl points at the gun in her hand.

“Well, it's not a game for kids, let's put it this way.”

“But you're fine, right?”

“Of course I am. I'm always fine.”

“And daddy? He's always sick, he throws up all the time.”

Allison stays silent for a moment. Has Carolina seen him throw up often? Children tend to exaggerate, but to say that someone throws up 'all the time' isn't a statement that anyone takes lightly, not even kids. He must've gotten drunk at least every other day. Poor child must've seen some shit. Actually, this is a good moment to ask before it's too late.

“Why, is daddy acting strange lately?”

“Well...I don't know. He doesn't really do anything different, but he _feels_ different? I don't know how to explain.”

“Different in what way? Is he mean to you?” she knows deep inside that this question is just an excuse, but if she says yes then they're gonna have fucking problem.

“Yes.”

They're gonna have a fucking problem. That's it. She holds tighter to her gun.

“He doesn't want to watch cartoons with me when you're not here.” she continues “And only makes dinner for me, he goes back to his lab and I always have to eat alone. I tell him that he should eat but he yells at me. Other times he eats until he gets sick, I--”

“Of course he does. Don't eat they way he does, it will hurt your tummy if you do it.”

“Are you gonna yell at him?” Carolina pouts, as if it's any of her business. No, no, it is her business. All this time thinking of her as a tool that Leonard keeps using to keep her from running away makes her forget that she's affected by this more than anyone else. She shouldn't be involved in this trainwreck of a marriage at all “Because he will get mad at me then, and daddy is scary when he gets mad...”

I am far scarier, she thinks, but no, she has to contain herself. For the kid. Just for the kid. Why is she the one who has to calm down when literally everyone else doesn't? Everyone else is constantly going apeshit but no, she's the one with anger issues. That fucking army therapist better be proud of her, right now. Not that it changes shit. It never changes shit. It's just how life works around sexist pigs, fucking bastards, she's gonna fucking-- no, no. Calm down. Deep breaths, deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Finally she pats Carolina's head.

“I'm not gonna yell at him, I promise. Everything's gonna be alright, okay?”

“Okay...”

She kisses her forehead “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Allison decides to hide the weapon in her bag and goes back to her bedroom. Leonard has fallen asleep already. God, he's so _beautiful_ to look at. Even if he's skinny and full of ugly scars, he's skinny and full of ugly scars in a hot way. She admits she's gonna miss him. She usually does, anyway, she misses him every working day even if he's an absolute shithead.

She's not sure how to about this divorce – they did divorce twice already, but that was before Carolina was born, now it's going to be completely different – but she has a couple of days still before it starts, they are still regularly married at least until the end of the weekend. It shall be fine, she'll think about it later. For now, she can just allow herself to go to sleep and pretend nothing happened. It'll be nice to just not have to do anything about something, for once.

She wakes up quite late, as she usually does on her free day after a long week of training. She peeks into the dining room without being seen. Of course Leonard has already gotten up, prepared breakfast. Enough food to feed an entire army, as if he's not going to bitch about having to eat it before it expires. It looks very good though: eggs, bacon, toast, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, cereal, and a whole basket full of fruit. Nobody in this goddamn house eats fruit, but it sure looks good on the table, Carolina seems enthusiastic. God, he's so desperate.

She'll join them in just a second, she's going to check her messages first. Man, she receives gross texts of every kind. Not only from Dixon, Nichols, Davis and...What was that other guy's name? Anyway, not just them, but actually guys she's not even fucking. Because they think she's a slut, they must be assuming. That's all a woman in the military can do, move up the ranks by fucking her teammates and superiors, no matter how society changed or what fucking year it is, or at least that's what her father kept accusing her of whenever she voiced interest in joining the military. No wonder she had to leave and start a life far away from him...

Those guys cheating on their girlfriends and wives, though? Not slutty at all. She takes a little while, responding to every dick pic and obscene text, sometimes with insults, sometimes with even more obscene texts, but quickly ditches that bullshit in favour of family time. It's gonna absolutely suck, but Carolina has the right to have a family, God knows Allison needed a decent one back in the day.

She finally walks in the dining room, sitting at the table. Leonard doesn't say anything and nods at her. Seriously, he just fucking _nod_ s at her, like she's 'one of his bros' or something? What's his fucking problem?

“Morning.”

“Good morning, mommy!” Carolina greets her happily “You didn't tell me about your week, yesterday. Tell me now, I wanna know!”

“Oh, nothing happened, really. We just did the same things that we did last week over there.”

“Ah...I see, same here. But I made some drawings for you! Daddy put them on the fridge, look!”

She turns to look at the drawings. One is a drawing of a beach, with the sun in the corner and swallow tailed birds all over the place, where the sky is a blue stripe; one is the drawing of a flower, and the last one is a drawing of her 'happy' family. Daddy's glasses are very big in this one and so is the scowl on his face, but he's surrounded by hearts. Mommy has a big rifle that shoots more hearts in his direction, and little Carolina is in between. It's so endearing that she has no idea that the imagery she tried to convey her wholesome message is kind of fucked up.

No, no, it's not fucked up. It's just that kids are kids, and they don't understand death, they don't understand that rifles kill people. Then again, shooting Leonard is part of her love language – or at least it _was_ until that stupid son of a bitch decided to load the fucking gun and almost get killed. Of course, Allison is _not_ going to explain kinky sex to her five year old. Oh God, has Carolina ever seen her shooting at him? Man, she's not ready for that conversation. Not now.

“And you?” she deflects the conversation by asking Leonard “What did you do this week?”

“The usual, progressed a bit with my project, spent hours and hours programming, and then--”

“Tell her about Doogie!” Carolina giggles.

“Doogie? Who is Doogie?”

“Remember that old series about the child doctor, Doogie Howser?”

“No?”

“Well, I might've make myself look like a complete asshole in front of someone like that.”

“That's unlike you.” Allison comments sarcastically.

“You know how I'm still looking for an assistant? Basically, it was 'bring your child at work' day. I brought Carolina, let her sit at my desk and we even coloured together a bit, then we go back in the corridor and this kid approaches me. He speaks with fancy words and acts all professional, asking to speak with me. Of course I thought that he wasn't speaking on his own behalf, so I asked him where his parents were and which one of them was going to apply for the job.”

“And?”

“Turns out he's a gifted kid who just finished his studies now at seventeen, and he's very eager to do the medical reports of those who test my prosthetics, too. At that point I just thought it was a fucking prank, so I was like 'seriously, where are your parents?' and he said that he is really applying for the job and also that he's an orphan.”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!” Allison bursts into laughter like hasn't done in a while “HOLY FUCK, YOU _DID_ MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE!”

“Yeah...I really did. Started calling him Doogie as a compliment, to try and mitigate the climate, or whatever the fuck I was supposed to do.”

“He got the job!” Carolina adds “He's very nice, we played together and he told me stuff about nature.”

“Ah.” Allison smiles “That's cute.”

“Yeah, and he's really efficient on the job too.” he nods, his face lighting up for some reason “He has a the weirdest fucking approach, but he's brilliant, and we still have overall compatible methods. We got lots of stuff done, but we didn't get tired at all, in fact we kept coming up with new ideas during lunch breaks, I swear it's like he can finish my thoughts, don't know if it's a Genius thing but he does.”

“Good.” she's not really invested in his endeavours but yeah, good for him. Also, why is he so excited?

“Our first meeting was kind of embarrassing, but after that we started clicking immediately. He's a good kid, I'll offer him a beer when he turns twenty-one, he earned that. I think I'll be his mentor, or something. Poor kid doesn't have parents, so he might not get this kind of bond often.”

Bond? Really? Since when? What the fuck?

“Aah, sorry.” he shakes his head “I'm rambling.”

“Why are you so excited about some random nerdy orphan kid all of a sudden?” not even the time for her to finish rolling her eyes that she realizes. Wow. WOW. This asshole really doens't have a fucking limit. Is he really that desperate? “Oh. I see.”

“I think you should meet him, he's a nice kid.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don't know, it's just—”

“I can't believe you're trying to use a stranger you just met to glue us back together.”

“What?” he holds back a nervous laughter, trying to feign nonchalance.

“You know what I'm talking about.”

Fucking hell. The audacity. To think that she's been holding back all the anger, all the 'violent urges' all night...

“I don't. I really don't.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that it's over?!” she jolts up all of a sudden.

“Allison--”

“You really think that it's the lack of pregnancy that will convince me that you're not trying to keep me here with another shitty kid?!”

Leonard mumbles nervously as he glances to Carolina for a second. The poor girl looks very confused.

“Please, not in front of her...”

She know she shouldn't snap, but how can she not snap after this?! Before she can convince herself to calm down, her hands have already done the damage. She flipped the fucking table, threw it at him, with all the plates and the food.

“I'M DONE WITH YOU!”

Carolina runs away in her room, crying.

“Couldn't you just fucking wait a second?! I swear, you--”

“I don't give a fuck about what you have to say. You're disgusting. You don't care about that kid, you just wanted to use him. Face it, you can't keep me here, and we're not having another fucking kid. Not even by adopting that one.”

“That's okay.” he gets back up, with some scratches on his face, getting himself together as he speaks in a defeated tone “He's a special needs kid, anyway, they'd never leave him into a broken fucking family like this.”


	5. Chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison exaggerates with the violence. An unexpected visit makes her reconsider her behaviour, but it's too late to win him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Been a bit drained, I guess it's fine if I don't post for this week".
> 
> *doesn't post for a month*
> 
> Whoops. I'm back, though.

Maybe flipping the table was too much. She really should've thought it through, especially since Carolina was still sitting at it. Poor thing ran away in tears, towards the bathroom. Allison pays no mind to Leonard's dumb ass pretending to tidy shit up just to look busy enough not to go talk to anyone, and yet he has the audacity of saying something, because she's supposed to rush to fix any fuck up without ever standing still, and she just caught a goddamn breath for a second so _of course_ she has to be called out by the drama queen, here.

“ _You_ called her a shitty kid, not me.”

“I didn't mean it that way.”

“I know.”

He doesn't add anything, because he knows he doesn't need to. Fucking shithead, she hates him. Alright, fine, let's fucking go after Carolina. The kid has her face down, 'throwing up' in the bathtub. She's pushing her fingers in her throat and spitting but nothing comes out.

“What the hell are you doing?!” she pulls her by the back of her shirt rather roughly.

“You and daddy only are still together because of me, aren't you?”

“And?”

No, no, fuck, this is not what you're supposed to answer you stupid bitch. You're supposed to say that mommy and daddy are very much in love with each other. Kids love lies!

“Why are you doing this, Carolina?”

“I don't wanna eat anymore. Daddy only makes food for me, anyway, and we all eat together you always fight.”

“And how does the food have anything to do with--” Allison stops immediately as she realizes. 'Daddy is always throwing up', after all. “Did you see him do this?”

“Yeah, but he says that I shouldn't do it.”

“He's right, you shouldn't do it.”

“Then why does he do it?”

“I don't know.” she tries to dismiss it. Carolina doesn't believe her at first, but then shrugs.

“Is it a boys' thing then?”

HA! Good one. It's hard to say no to this one, but it would be very confusing otherwise. It's not 'a boys' thing', it's an overdramatic asshole thing. She knows he's not eating out of spite, making himself throw up out of spite, cutting himself out of spite. Because he wants her to feel like shit, and why? For leaving to go to work? That's messed up. The only thing stopping her from taking actual legal action is that she would never be given custody of Carolina because she's never home, and would lose her to child protective services because Leonard is fucking crazy. This is not worth losing a child over.

Plus they have to be separated for at least two years and given that they remarried twice already, one being embarrassingly recent, it's not possible yet and no lawyer would probably want to have anything to do with them. Thank God only two weddings have pictures, last one was in Las Vegas and it was as trashy as it could be. Almost gambled the ring in there, and Leonard's drunk ass started yelling at a hooker who came at him 'because he looked miserable' (he did) until she left out of exhaustion. Nevermind, that one was fun.

“Mommy? Is it a boys' thing?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Why?”

“Because boys are stupid.”

“You only say that because you hate daddy.”

“No, I mean it for real. And I don't hate him, we just argue a lot.”

“ _What's the difference?_ ”

Fuck. She's way too smart. Kid is going places. She knows damn well that in this case there's no difference. A general answer will still do, though.

“People can fight a lot and still love each other. Hell, fighting with someone means you care! If you want a person be safe, to be healthy, sometimes you have to call them out. That's why daddy wants me to talk to the doctor I have at work, because I get angry and sad sometimes and he doesn't want me to be.”

“Shouldn't he see a doctor too?”

“He definitely should, and I told him already, but he won't listen to me.”

“I'll tell him, then!”

“DON'T DO IT.”

Too late, Carolina's back already in the next room, runs to daddy who is still cleaning up the mess from breakfast.

“Daddy?”

“Ugh, what?” he groans without even looking at her.

“Mommy and I talked. I'm fine, but I think you should see a doctor because you get angry and sad.”

He drops everything he's doing to and turns to his kid, glaring at her like he wants to fucking incinerate her.

“YOUR MOTHER THREW A TABLE AT ME AND THAT'S YOUR CONCLUSION?!”

“No, I didn't mean that...”

“Funny that you didn't tell me to go to a doctor because she hit me.”

“Well, that too! Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT? _AM I HURT_?!” he grabs a knife and rolls his sleeve up, he doesn't look like he's going to that for real, he's just being an asshole as usual, but as soon as Allison takes one step towards him to stop him, he starts doing _that_. The one thing that he prides himself on not doing in front of others, because when people discover the scars it was 'I didn't want you to know', 'I didn't want to be a burden', 'I didn't want to take this out on others'. Fucking lying bastard.

Carolina hides behind her mother, she doesn't want to see the blood, but he keeps cutting incessantly. Allison really wants to beat the shit out of him, but she doesn't want to get out of the way and let Carolina see, but nothing, he keeps going. Take a deep breath, in through the nose and out through the mouth, in through the nose and out through the mouth, in through the mouth, in through the nose and out through the mouth, in through--

“LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!”

That's it. He passed the fucking limit, it's not her being angry, he needs to be stopped before he hurts Carolina even more. God, she's been holding back for so long. She punches him so hard that her fucking hand hurts, but it's a good kind of hurt, the _best_ kind of hurt, not even sex feels this fucking good. Seeing him drop like a potato sack is the most satisfying moment she's had all fucking year. Oh yeah, she's gonna kill the motherfucker, look at how he crumples on himself as she kicks his stomach while he's down, how he somehow fucking squints and goggles at her at the same time as his glasses fly off his face, teary eyed already but even more now that she's fucking strangling him, God, she's been wanting to do this for so much time. It's been so hard not to crush his windpipe during sex, it was always too tempting, but now the time has come - Carolina's better off without him, anyway, and if the child protective services gotta come then she might as well do what she wants for once. How his hands tremble as he slowly tries to reach for hers and move them away, his arms must feel so fucking heavy. Choke on this, you bastard, you've been wanting to die all along anyway, haven't you?

“STOP!” Carolina cries desperately “YOU'RE KILLING HIM!”

Upon hearing that plea, she lets go immediately. Leonard gasps for air and starts coughing incontrollably, struggling for quite a while before he manages to sit up and fetch his glasses. She eyes him with concern, but he doesn't say anything and tries to recover, in the meantime she turns to Carolina.

“Are you okay?”

“Why do you always have to fight?!” the poor child's face is gut wrenching to see, the copious tears running down her face don't seem to stop. She has to reassure her now.

“I wasn't going to kill daddy, I just wanted to stop him from hurting you. I love daddy, I don't want him to die, I want us to be all together, because we are a family.”

“It's true.” Leonard quickly adds, still out of breath “You know it.”

“I don't need you to explain anything anymore.” Carolina has stopped crying but is inconsolable, the sheer disappointment on her face is unbearable. She heads back to her bedroom. The doorbell rings shortly after.

“Get the door, I'll talk to her.” he nods towards the door, but Allison shakes her head.

“Maybe we should leave her alone for a bit.”

“Aight. I'll get the door, then.”

He tenses up as he opens the door and finds himself in front of a stranger in a police uniform with a smug look on his face. Or at least, Allison _wishes_ it was a stranger. He snarks at Leonard with a gruff voice:

“Son, have you been run over by a truck?”

“No.” he replies in a completely flat tone “It was a Ford Focus.”

“Then I'm sure the lesson you learned from it is how to get the fuck out of the way.” the man elbows him on the way in, hitting his still bloody forearm, then greets Allison with fake, cruel enthusiasm “Allison! How are you doing, champ?”

“Get out of my house, Carl.” she commands coldly. Is this the tranquil fury stage? Is she gonna snap? She can't fucking tell, she's already ruined the day twice and it's not even 9am yet.

Leonard rolls his sleeves down nervously and asks her while side eyeing him:

“Wh-who is this?”

“Oh, she didn't tell you about me? Try to read my name tag and figure it out.”

“I'm surprised you even wear one.” comments Allison “Figured you wouldn't want to be recognized while you're having your fun on the job.”

“See, it doesn't matter if they recognize me. They can't do anything.”

“Shame.”

“Yeah.” he moves a few steps towards her “Bet you were hoping for something bad to happen to me, just like an angsty little girl who holds grudges would.”

“How's mom, by the way?” she clenches her fists, keeps her head high, she won't let him win whatever fight this is bound to devolve into.

“Whiny as always.”

“That's usually what happens after you beat the shit out of her.”

Those words fly out of her mouth without even having to think, and she flinches when she realizes. Leonard's expression gets _mortified_ for a second, and she wants to fucking die, but he quickly jumps to her defense.

“Should've known it was _you_. With her maiden name, I thought it could be another relative, but no.”

“Maiden name, huh?” Carl's smirk is one of pure delight “What happened to the 'strong independent woman' who went out of her way to get in the military? If only to become the cumslut of those in there who are actually cut out for it?”

Fucking piece of shit has not changed at all, she should've expected it and yet it still fucking hurts for some reason? He knows she's a skilled fighter, she's been proving it all her fucking life, before _and_ after leaving her family to do basic training and never coming back. Leonard kinda saved her from all that bullshit, although without knowing.

“It was either his name or yours, and I picked what I liked best...But you already know it since you've been searching details on me through private data so desperately that you're trying to tell me exactly how many dicks I've taken.”

“It was a very long list.”

“It was! I'm impressed that you can keep up.” her fists are clenched so hard that her knuckles fucking crack, she knows her face is getting all hot and red already, but she can't snap again, or can she? She can, probably should, but doesn't want to. With him, being docile is a sign of weakness and fighting back is what he dismisses as a sign of insecurity therefore weakness. No matter what she does, she can never win.

“Look, it's clear that you're not welcome here.” Leonard stands between them “So just go away before anybody gets hurt.”

“Are you threatening me, you toothpick?” Carl scoffs “What do you even do for a living? Are you one of those 'runway models' that do nothing but be skinny and walk around looking miserable dressing like sissies? 'Cause that's what you look like.”

“Is old age making you forget the information you found already?! I'm a scientist.”

“This is the second time you act snarky, kid. Third strike, and you're out.”

“This is our house, _you_ go out.”

“No, I have something important to say.” he insists with a commanding voice, as if he owns the fucking place. He doesn't. Leonard is not afraid of him.

“Clearly Allison doesn't care. You can go.”

“I have COPD.” the arrogance in his tone disappears “I don't have much time left.”

So _that's_ why. He's dying. What is this supposed to change? Is it supposed to grant him forgiveness for everything he's done? Why? If there's a God or whatever other entity, then it's up to them to forgive him after he dies, not to her. Ah, right, he wants to be forgiven _before_ he dies. Is that will get him to heaven, pretending that he gives a shit? He clearly doesn't.

“That's what you get for smoking like a damn chimney.”

“I guess...”

“That's it? You wanted me to know that?”

“I want you to...” he interrupts himself with a sigh “I'm asking you to make my last wish before I die come true.”

“No. Whatever it is, I don't give a fuck.”

“Let me see Carolina. Just once.”

Why the fuck is he coming up with this all of a sudden? He never cared about anyone other than himself, he just wants to guil trip her and make her look bad at this point.

“You've never even told me that I have a grandkid. You've been hiding her from me the whole time.”

“It's my daughter and I decide what to do with her.”

“Is there anything that I can do to make you change your mind?”

“Absolutely not. Go away.”

Carl stays silent for a long instant and then nods, awkwardly waving as he starts walking away. After she closes the door, Allison instinctively punches it out of frustration, knuckles bleeding. She starts shaking incontrollably, and tears are suddenly forming in her eyes. Fuck, how many years has it been since the last time she cried? She can't even remember. She shouldn't cry, she vowed to never cry because of her asshole father again when she was twelve and she managed to keep that promise so far, she doesn't want to break it, but God does she want to fucking cry. Everything is a goddamn disaster and if this is the price of being in the military then it might not be worth it...But it's what he wants, right? It's what everyone wants.

“Hey...”

Leonard's hand reaches for her shoulder so fucking hesitantly, so fucking gently that oh God, that's what finally does it in. Fuck it, now she's fucking crying like she's a stupid baby or some shit. Why is he hugging her, holding her in his arms like she didn't fucking almost choke him to death a few minutes ago?! What the fuck is he, stupid?! Maybe he wants to guilt trip her too until she gives in and obeys to whatever his moody ass comes up with, that's just what men do after all. _Oh look at me, I'm a fucking angel and I let you beat the crap out of me, you can't leave me, boo hoo_ , she fucking hates him. He's so desperate and-- no, it's not just him being desperate, he's actually good. Too good, he shouldn't be this good, it's way too fucking irritating. Stop it, stop it, stop it, for fuck's sake.

“Don't listen to him.” it's so strange to hear him speak softly, it hurts, she just can't take it “You know you're the best...”

“The best at what? At cheating?! At never being here?! At beating the shit out of you?! I'm exactly like him.”

“You're not like him, you're a good parent.”

He doesn't even try to deny the rest, he's always bitched about it anyway, and yet for some reason it feels like he's trying to deny it or at least push it aside in favour of what? Something that doesn't even exist. That's probably just because he's desperate. No matter if he's the sweetest thing in the world, he's faking it, he's using it to his advantage to keep her in. Why the fuck would he want to keep her in, is a fucking mystery at the moment. The bruises and scratches on his face are so red already, he used to buy more make up than her because he always had to cover them, now he's past the point of giving a fuck and almost flaunting that shit. Most of the time it'd get him more hits, but now as she looks up at him it clicks her that maybe he wants people to see them. For the pity, for the attention? She doesn't even know, and her thoughts are spinning in circle without making any fucking sense whatsoever.

“I'm not. I hit you in front of Carolina, I shouldn't have done that.”

“It's me who fucked up. I cut myself in front of her. I deserved every fucking hit.”

“I know, but--”

“But nothing. I get it.”

He forces a half smile. He looks so tired of everyting, like he's gonna act cute and then fucking pull a Sylvia Plath and leave a ready meal and a suicide note as he sticks his head in the goddamn oven. It's so like him. She's killing him. She always thinks she hates him, but only hates what he does. She has to tell him even if she feels like shit doing it:

“You know I love you, right?”

He doesn't respond and just holds her tighter, giving her a kiss on the forehead. He needed to hear it, he really needed to hear it, and yet the piece of shit has the nerve to ask:

“Are you sure?”

_Yes._

“No.”

He gulps almost unnoticeably. Bites his lip and nods.

“Then we should think of the technical aspects, how to organize your weekly visits and so on.”

“Now?”

“No, we should take Carolina to the park or somewhere else outside. We all need to be out of here for a bit.”

“...But wait.”

“Hm?”

“Why aren't you clinging to me right now? Why aren't you forcing me to stay with you? Isn't that what you should be doing at this point of the conversation?”

“Maybe it is, but I'm done.”

He's not done. He's just acting up and being dramatic. He'll come back crawling in three minutes at max.

“You're done?”

“Yeah.”

“Just this morning you wanted to convince me to adopt a random kid that you met at w--”

“I'm done. Really. If we don't break up now, I'm gonna go crazy.”

“You mean _crazier_.”

“I mean _craziest_.”

“Oh, you're gonna fucking kill yourself?!” she pulls away “Is that some weird, weird form of threatening me into staying with you?”

“I literally just said I want to break up.”

“Yeah, 'for our own good', because you want me to believe that you give a shit.”

“WHAT?!”

“You think I don't know your fucked up tricks by now?!”

“ _Wow, Allison_.” his defeated expression becomes even more unbearable to look at with the disgust that is now visible on his face “Fuck you. You know what? I'm looking forward to Monday so that you're gonna get the fuck out of my sight.”

“Ah, now you hate me all of a sudden. Is it because I hit you?! I literally was stopping you after you've been acting like the trainwreck of a human being that you are! You think I would put up with your shit if I didn't care?! You think I would choose you over all the other guys?! I am trying, but you're making this shit impossible!”

“You really think that you're the only one who constantly gets hit on by others?! I can see someone else as soon as I feel like it.”

No. No. No, no, no, no, what the fuck?! He can't do that! He's loyal and only has eyes for her, that's always been his thing. It will always be his thing! At least on this, he's not like other men, he's the one!

“HAH!” she scoffs hysterically “You with another woman?! You know it's not gonna happen.”

He doesn't flinch at all at that comment. Instead he just looks at her sternly, and speaks with the coldest tone she's ever heard from him:

“Good, because I'm gay anyway.”

He doesn't even leave her the time to react that he storms out of the room.


	6. Chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison spends many days regretting and overthinking...Until she finds out.

He’s _what_?! Allison doesn’t even have the time process what he just said that he returns after a long while from helping Carolina wash and get dressed, then he gets ready himself while actively avoiding any possible starting conversation. While in the car, there’s the ‘not in front of the kid’ rule, which they’ve violated too many times already. Maybe one more time won’t make a difference, at least all the possible disasters can be concentrated in one shitty day and tomorrow maybe is not going to be as shitty. That’s probably wishful thinking, though.

Let’s be real, he probably said that because he knew it would shock her and end the conversation. He was just being smart, for once, he’s not gay. He can’t be gay! …Right? In either case, it’s not like she knows how the fuck should she even start discussing this with him. Carolina won’t break the ice either, and telling her not to be sad would just cause yet another rightful rant about how her parents suck, and how the fuck do you explain to a five year old that not only gays exist but that her daddy might be one of those too?

There is even more silence between them when they arrive at the park. Carolina is not really the extroverted type, so she doesn’t play with other children. She tends to ask people if she can pet their dogs and to climb trees, instead. Leonard watches her carefully from a bench as she decides to go for the tallest tree in the park, because of course she’d go for the tallest tree in the park. Allison, sitting next to him, decides to get his attention by planting a kiss on his neck.

“What are you doing…?!” he whispers with the audacity of showing fucking _annoyance_ in his voice, as if he’s not been begging for her full attention for all these years. A gay man would never do that, no matter how much of a tomboy she might be, she’s not a dude, and he still loves her, he’s still very much attracted to her. He’s not gay, he’s just being dramatic. Unless he’s been in denial all these years, but that can’t be the case!

…Oh. He _has_ been in denial all these years. All this time spent believing that he was loyal, it was all a lie. It wasn’t because she was in any way special to him, it was because he’s gay. He’s always rejected beautiful women with so much ease, he’s always received looks and compliments by everyone, even men, he could find a man easily if he wants to, to the point that one time she had to come up with the idea - a quite effective idea, actually - of putting a cock cage on him and keeping the key just to make sure that even if he wasn't tempted, there was absolutely zero chance of him cheating, also he was aroused by that control, because he was hers despite everyone wanting him. Everyone, really, and that has only gotten worse with marriage. Literally everyone is attracted to him, because he’s so fucking tall and shit, because of the eyes, or maybe it’s how modestly he dresses and how unavailable he is, he’s so hot right because nobody can have him, who the fuck knows why, but everyone wants to fuck her man and now he’s decided he’s not hers anymore. As soon as they get back together, she's totally gonna bring the cock cage back.

“You’re not gay.” She insists. There’s still a possibility that he only said it to make her shut up, and that better be the truth. If he’s gay, then these three marriages have been a lie. Carolina is a lie. What’s the point of lying again and again like this? No wonder it never fucking seems to work out. No, no. He’s straight as an arrow, he’s just being petty. Because she told him that she knows he wouldn’t date another woman, he counterattacked like that. Because she can never compete with men, even if she’s better than them, in every fucking field. He knows how much she hates men, he just said that because he knew it would hurt. She kisses his neck harder, sucks on it like she’s a fucking vampire, fuck yeah, she’s not gonna let him go, and he _moans_. He likes it, he’s not gay, because whenever she leaves a mark on him not only he lets her go as hard as she pleases, but he flaunts it too. Because he’s hers, and will be hers forever.

“Seriously, stop it.”

He pushes her away, he fucking pushes her away! What the fuck, _you_ stop it, it’s not funny. Why is he doing this?! Is it because he’s mad at how she treated him right after Carl left?! Was she supposed to regain composure immediately, is he the only one who is allowed to be upset now? Fucking asshole. Why is she even putting up with him, anyway? It’s not even that surprising that he’s gay, anyway.

“You’re the one who brought it up for no reason, tell me if you’re actually gay or if you just said it to piss me off.”

“You’re right.” His usual sarcastic tone comes back as he turns to her, looking her dead in the eyes “I remember when I was sucking dick back in high school and thinking: ‘Man, I sure hope that my future wife Allison that I haven’t met yet is really pissed off right now’.”

Allison freezes. How the fuck is she supposed to respond to that? He doesn’t sound like he’s lying…

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you.”

“Not now. If you really dated guys, why didn’t you tell me in all these years?”

“Because I didn’t want you to call me gay as an insult whenever things went wrong.”

“You think that I would do that?”

“I think that behind my back you’ve already done it, or at least thought it.”

“Ah, now you know what I think? Don’t you know how fucking crazy you sound?”

“Nevermind.” He shakes his head “I don’t even know why I accepted to have this conversation. I’m gonna take Carolina down from that tree.”

He gets up. He really will take advantage of any excuse, won’t he? The rest of the day doesn’t go much better. He only bothers to interact with her when Carolina is with them, making drawings or playing board games or cooking. The rest of the afternoon, he spends it alone in his lab. When it’s time to go to bed, he doesn’t touch her at all, not even out of habit. Yet he doesn’t bother to push her back as she kisses him. He just lays there like a corpse. Clearly he wants to play the victim, next hickey is gonna come from a closed fist. ~~Again.~~ This can only be one of his guilt trips, it has to be, but she ain’t having it.

“ _We had sex yesterday, and you enjoyed it_.”

“It was the anticipation, thought you were gonna finally shoot me.” He laughs bitterly.

“Yeah, and put an end to the misery ‘that I caused’? Just say you like having sex with me.”

“I also like cutting and burning myself with ice. Sex doesn’t really mean shit. Also, don’t act like you haven’t been holding it in all this time. Just fucking kill me, do both of us a favour.”

“Surely it’d be easier than putting up with your shit.”

“Exactly. You’ve been wanting to leave all this time, I don’t see why this is such a big deal.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have had a kid with you if I knew.”

Leonard gives her a genuinely confused look.

“I thought you wanted to have a kid? What is it, I’m yet again ‘the asshole that forces motherhood on you’? I wouldn’t have forced you if you told me.”

“I _did_ want Carolina.”

“So?”

“What do you mean ‘so’?! She’s the product of a fucking lie, apparently.”

“There’s no lie. I wanted to be with you, at the time. Been always wanting to be with you, until now. Carolina doesn’t have anything to do with our problems.”

“Our problems? How about _your_ problems?! If you’re gay, then you must’ve been knowing for a while, how come you said you wanted another kid?”

“It was the last, pathetic attempt. I’m tired of trying to save a marriage that we both hate. Carolina will understand.” He turns to the other side “Goodnight.”

For some reason that not even she knows, Allison’s voice breaks as she feels the need to point this out:

“It’s Saturday, you were supposed to rest.”

He doesn’t say anything back. Is he really committed to being always a lost cause no matter what? Fucking asshole. Unbelievable. Yet no matter how much she hates him and curses at him in her mind, nothing changes. Why does she even care about him still? He’s right, why is it a big deal if she wants to leave him? She doesn’t know, it’s just that…She’s the one who is supposed to be distant, not him. He should begging her, it’s how it’s always been. What’s the point if he wants out? It’s like this isn’t even him. What happened that made him change his mind?

Maybe this is just a scene he’s making. Who knows, it can last a couple of days and then everything will go back to normal. Because if he’s gay, then he’s gonna find someone and get married, and Carolina will grow attached to that guy, she will forget about her own mother…Because she’s always spent more time with daddy, it’s normal for her to take his side. What does she know that it’s mutual, that daddy makes mommy sad too? What if he stops cutting himself when he gets a boyfriend? What if he stops drinking, what if he stops making himself throw up? He’ll be happier, and Carolina will make sure to blame mommy for it ever happening. How the fuck is that fair?! She tries to figure out what to do, but eventually just gets tired and falls asleep.

When she wakes up, she doesn’t find him next to her. Instead there’s Carolina sitting on the bed with her legs crossed, looking around out of boredom and then smiling at her.

“You slept all morning! It’s 1pm.”

“Wow, really?” Allison sits up, not really feeling well rested, actually she feels like she’s just been run over by a fucking truck, but forces herself to smile back “Did daddy make you breakfast?”

“Yeah, but there’s nothing left for lunch. We’re gonna have to buy more food.”

“Mh. Well, do you guys mind going without me? I’m not really feeling good today.”

“Daddy left a few hours ago. Said he and Doogie had some work to do.”

“Ugh, couldn’t he invite him over to the lab?”

“Maybe he didn’t want to invite him because there’s no food.” She shrugs “Also, he wanted to go out. He’s happy when Doogie sends him messages.”

 _Happy? Leonard?_ That doesn’t sound physically possible. An evil smirk is his maximum expression of happiness, and that’s usually when he comes up with some wacky idea for his gadgets and shit. Why the fuck does he even care about that kid, anyway? Oh, wait, here’s why: because the little shit is a ‘poor cute orphan’ and would probably think he’s a good parent just because he doesn’t have anyone to compare him with, while Carolina is perfectly aware - at least on a subconscious level - that he is a piece of shit. Yep, that’s definitely why.

“That’s strange.”

“Why? Daddy likes his job and now he has a new friend that likes the same things he likes. Doogie is turning 18 very soon, maybe daddy wants to organize him a birthday party!”

“Daddy is not the party type. As for friends, well, he doesn’t need any more, he already has Sheila.”

“Ah, right. Are you still friends with her?”

“Huh?”

“Daddy said you get angry when girls like him, and Sheila likes him.”

Oh, right. _Sheila likes him_. The fucking third wheel. Ever since she dumped her asshole boyfriend, Andy, she likes to hang out with Leonard outside of the job a bit too much. She’s shown fascination with Allison too, actually. She may want to get between them quite literally. Which is fucking weird, but more power to her, it must be so much easier to like women. Men are only good for one thing, and that one thing could easily be done by an object if only being cummed into wasn’t one of Allison’s biggest turn ons. She wishes she could choose to like women, women would understand her better. Maybe that’s why Leonard says he’s gay, he thinks she doesn’t understand him like a guy would. It must be that, there’s no way he actually sucked dick in high school. That would make him actually gay, unless he’s bisexual like Sheila.

FUCK. She gave him the idea, didn’t she?! She’s taking her sweet time, encouraging him to switch to something completely different so that he doesn’t realize that it’s all a strategy. Once his experience with a guy fails, she’ll be there to console him, she’ll say she’ll always support him no matter what, hug him a little bit too eagerly and then take advantage of the situation. Fucking bitch. Man, is it time for a phone call.

“Mommy, are you okay?” Carolina tilts her head.

“Mh? Yeah, why do you ask?”

“You spaced out. What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing. Go fill the bathtub, I have to make a call.”

“Daddy said he doesn’t want to be interrupted.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not him I gotta call.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Carolina walks out of the room and Allison reaches for her phone, promptly ignoring all the sexts and dickpics from her teammates – there are many – to search Sheila’s number among her contacts.

“Hello?”

“Sheila, is Leonard with you?”

“No, he passed by for a couple of minutes because he needed some documents and then left.”

“Did he leave with the kid?”

“Well, he didn’t leave the building, he just changed sectors—”

“The kid. Is the kid with him or not?”

“Yes.”

“And is there anyone else with them?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Hm. Well, even if there was someone he would be careful about what he can and can’t do in front of a minor.”

Sheila emits some choked noise from the other side of the phone.

“Is there something that I’m supposed to know?”

“Oh, I think you know already.”

“Look,” Sheila barely hides her annoyance, sounding like the passive aggressive bitch she is “I’d love to talk to you, but I’m in the middle of working right now, and—”

“He said that he’s gay, all of a sudden. You’re finding him a man, aren’t you? So that when it all goes to shit – because it will go all to shit – you’ll try to ‘console him’ and get in his pants.”

“Allison…”

She sounds so disappointed, so hurt, why the fuck does she sound disappointed and hurt?! Is she pitying her in some very weird, very fucked up way?! What the fuck?

“What?!”

“I thought we were friends! I would never do this to you.”

“You think I’m stupid or something?! Let’s address the problem already: YOU. WANNA FUCK. MY MAN. And don’t try to deny it!”

She feels so embarrassed saying it out loud. Because Sheila is gonna deny everything, even if it couldn’t be more obvious. She can already hear it, the ‘Allison, you’re crazy’. To think that this bitch has the nerve of insisting that they’re friends.

“I want him to be happy. I want you to be happy as well, and I really wish you two could find a way to be happy _together_ , but—”

“But what? You think you’d do a better job than me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

The audacity of this bitch. Fucking liar. What the fuck does she know of relationships? Wasn’t her ex a fucking talking trashcan, anyway? She’s the last person to have a say in this, and even if she had perfect relationships it just wouldn’t be her place to talk. This isn’t any of her fucking business, fucking backstabbing slut, all this fake concern is _sickening_. No, this is not the time to get angry. She has to hold back, take deep breaths and count to ten. One. Two. Three, four. Five, six, seveneightthisfuckingbitchisgonnagetstabbedathefirstusefuloccasionnine, ten. This doesn’t feel good. She doesn’t feel better at a—

“…Allison?”

“OF COURSE YOU THINK THAT, FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR CHAIR IN YOUR FUCKING OFFICE! YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WHO GETS SHOT, YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WORKING HARD TO GIVE CAROLINA A SAFE WORLD TO LIVE IN, YOU’RE NOT THE ONE THAT GETS TREATED LIKE SHIT FOR ‘NOT CARING ABOUT HER FAMILY’ WHILE LITERALLY SACRIFICING YOUR LIFE FOR THEM, YOU’RE NOT THE ONE THAT RISKS DYING AND LEAVING EVERYONE ALONE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO GET ATTACHED KNOWING ALL THIS?! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I CHEAT?! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I HIT HIM?! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!”

“I’m so sorry…”

“NO, YOU’RE NOT!”

“I understand where you’re coming from, but you can’t act jealous like this—”

“How long has it been?” Allison cuts her off one more time “When did he come out to you?”

“I don’t remember exactly.”

“Well, _try to remember_ , then.”

“Maybe three, four years ago. We didn’t really talk, today, I didn’t know he was planning on coming out to you, he never seemed to like the idea.”

“…So he really is gay, then…”

“When he came out to me, he said he was bi. I don’t know if he’s figuring himself out, still.”

“If you say you’re my friend, then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because he’s only ever wanted you.”

She sounds so honest. A bit disappointed, maybe, but honest and in an almost proud way. She follows that sentence with a sigh before she continues.

“If you’re asking me if I have any feelings for him, then yes, I do. Yet the one thing that I can do to show him that I love him is respect him, and if that’s so far away from what he has been idolizing as a relationship model, then I’d rather be his friend. I’d rather be his friend and make him feel safe. He felt safe enough to vent to me, and that’s the most important thing. Want to know what he’s always told me, lately?”

No. She doesn’t want to fucking know. It hurts too much already.

“What did he say?”

“That he felt pathetic whenever he put on make up to cover the bruises, that he was ashamed…But when he stopped, he was even more ashamed: he wanted to push people away with his appearance, he said that even if the bruises were proof that he wasn’t enough for you they meant that at least you cared enough to touch him and make him yours, that he could bring along something from you as if they were a proof of love. A part of him wanted people to come at him and help him, reassure him that what you do him is not okay, but it wasn’t a big enough part compared to the rest. The worst thing? He didn’t know how to stop, he wanted to stop because Carolina kept asking questions about how come does he always ‘fall’ and get injured, said that she didn’t believe him even if she’s never seen you hit him.”

“Well, now she has. Yesterday, actually. It was awful. Leonard was slitting his fucking wrists in front of her, she was scared and I—I didn’t contain myself, I had already thrown the table at him, anyway, I just—”

Her voice cracks. Oh, hell no, not the fucking crying again. She gulps. No crying, no snapping, no anything. She’s gonna be fine, she’s a soldier.

“Look. I really thought I was gonna kill him this time, for a second I wanted to, but this is not me. I want him. I love him, and even the idea of losing him makes me feel like I’m fucking dying. I don’t wanna go on like this, I’ve been going to therapy, trying to do all the work I need to do, but I can’t if he keeps guilt tripping me and hurting himself.”

“Today he put make up on again after months. He wanted to look good, to look available. He’s just now realizing that he deserves better than this. If your best friend was in this situation, wouldn’t you tell them that they deserve better?”

“So that’s what you’re getting out of this fucking conversation.” What hour did Carolina say it is, anyway? She’s so fucking tired already “I’m the bad guy and that’s it?”

“No. I’m not dismissing your problems, Allison. I want you to be happy, too.”

“Then how do I get him back?”

“Are you sure you want to be with him at all? You said you wanted to leave.”

“I do! But I want him to still love me when I’m gone. I leave, and he’s there to wait for me, then I come back. It’s kind of our thing, isn’t it?”

“…Maybe you should both start seeing other people.”

“Yeah, right. ‘Start’. I know you think I’m a fucking slut, that I’m a cavewoman who doesn’t deserve a man like him, that if I had to say goodbye to my mother in that state just to be in the military then I’m not good at taking care of my family, that Carolina is gonna end up crazy, and so on…”

“Are you sure it’s not you thinking this?”

Allison gasps. That caught her off guard. She doesn’t even know what to respond.

“Talk about it with your therapist. Let me know how it goes.”

“Alright…”

“Trust me, it’s for your own good. Don’t make rash decisions.”

“I’m quitting the military.”

“Come again?” the army therapist adjusts his glasses incredulously, looking at her like she’s crazy.

“My anger issues have caused enough problems, and everyone knows I’ve fucked my entire squad, so I might as well say I’m done here.” She laughs, trying not to sound bitter “Can you believe I don’t even feel like cheating anymore? I know it’s probably hard to believe.”

“This kind of talk is unlike you.” He points out “Even with your issues, you’ve always valued your job more than everything else.”

“Yeah, and then I lost the ‘everything else’ and realized that not only I want it back, but that this job doesn’t mean anything if I can’t care for my family even when I’m not on missions.”

“I see.”

“Maybe I should’ve ‘embraced motherhood’, if I did my husband wouldn’t be gay. Had to buy groceries with Carolina, went to the mall and ended up trying to be the cool parent and buying all kinds of glittery clothes and toys, then remained with only enough money to have ice cream for lunch. Fucking ice cream! I’m a mess. That’s why Leonard is gay.”

“That…Doesn’t make sense.” He raises an eyebrow, then rolls his eyes “Private Church…Allison, it’s obvious that you’re very confused and overwhelmed by your situation, everyone would be, and while I support you in case you want to stop serving in the military, I know that this is the job for you. If you try to be a stay at home mother or find a so called ‘regular job’, you will not be fulfilled. Then you’ll be wasting your time, and possibly the fights with your husband might get worse because of it.”

“I know, but…This job is destroying my family, and—”

“Have you considered joining the police department? You’d get to come home everyday.”

Time freezes for a moment. She gulps and feels her heart sink: the police makes her think of Carl immediately. What if she doesn’t change at all? Would she be just a copy of him? Just to make sure there’s another him in the world, since he’s fucking dying apparently. There’s no such thing as making things right from the inside when bad apples spoil the whole bunch. No, she refuses to join the police. She can’t. Oh God, oh God, no, please hold back.  
Nothing. She just fucking bursts into tears like a child.

The rest of the week predictably sucks. The only two times she brings herself to have sex with one of the douchebags she thinks of Leonard and almost cries. Stupid limp dicked bastard and his life ruining love, his life ruining everything. God, does she miss him. When she finally comes back it’s about dawn and he’s asleep. He looks perfect even with the bruises that are a fucking ugly indistinguishable colour, she hates him, he doesn’t have the right to make her heart skip beats just by looking good.

His phone next to him lights up from a notification, he must’ve forgotten to turn it off. It’s a message from Doogie:

“ _Thank you for being with me tonight! It was the first time I’ve ever had something like this, I would’ve never thought someone would make me feel so special. This was the best birthday, the best night of my life. I can’t wait to do it again next time.”_

Allison feels chills down her spine.

She hopes that it’s not what it looks like, she fucking prays that it’s not what it looks like, but it makes way too much sense and it’s fucking disgusting.


	7. Chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison is so convinced of her speculation that she goes a bit too overboard with words. Leonard, in reaction to that, goes a bit too overboard with...Well, everything. What a pain for both of them to realize that they still love each other, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, final chapters can be very intimidating.  
> TRIGGER WARNING! : mentions of ephebophilia, F slur, car accidents, self harm
> 
> NOTE: This chapter is a submission to the fandom event 'RvB fill in the blanks'.

What the fuck is she supposed to do now?! Wake him up and yell at him? The damage is done. _Fuck, the damage is done!_ There’s no way to undo it, no matter how she reacts. He had sex with that boy. Brought him somewhere nice, stared impatiently at the clock, and then fucked him as soon as he turned eighteen. How long has been fantasizing about it? Did he masturbate thinking of that kid? He said he wanted to be his mentor, a father figure…Did he trick him like that? Did he take advantage of him? Did he promise he was going to adopt him if he accepted to—

Allison cannot finish the thought and starts throwing up on the bedroom floor. She feels like her soul is leaving her fucking body, she’s dizzy and she can barely process all this bullshit. Oh God, her tummy hurts, everything hurts. She wishes she could take advantage of this pain and die from it, she doesn’t want to have this fucking conversation and just doesn’t want to live like this. It was already hell, but now? All these years spent loving Leonard to find out that he’s…Fucking hell, does she have to say the p word now? She doesn’t want to say the p word. He’d probably argue that it doesn’t apply because fucking teenagers is not the same as fucking little kids, anyway.

Just…How? This isn’t like him, he’s never been interested in anyone other than her, much less in minors. What the hell is happening to him?! Couldn’t he be gay with someone his age? Couldn’t he just not be gay at all? Watch him play the oppression card, say he just wants acceptance, after doing that. Disgusting.

She keeps throwing up – man, is it normal to throw up this much? - and he only wakes up after a relatively long while, rubbing his eyes and reaching for his glasses as soon as he spots her as an identifiable blob on the floor.

“Allison? What’s going on?”

“Nothing, go back to sleep.” She emits with a choked up voice.

“You’re throwing up!”

Yeah, because you’re disgusting, but go off I guess.

He gets closer and helps her stand up.

“Are you okay?”

“DON’T TOUCH ME! YOU DISGUST ME!”

“Wh-what?” he mumbles “What did I do?”

Fuck. She didn’t mean to bring up anything, but why is he playing innocent? Are they gonna have to discuss this now? It’s not like she can pretend that such a big thing doesn’t exist, but she really wants to because they’ve both sent their world crashing and burning for much less.

“You made me leave the military because you can’t get your shit together.”

Yes, that’s a good excuse. Not that she’s gonna actually leave, now, whatever the fuck he is now is completely unsalvageable. Although to be fair Carolina shouldn’t be left alone with a father who is unstable like this, and—

“You’re pregnant?!”

“I, uh…What?!”

She’s never even thought about that possibility. She’s been feeling unwell for a while, sure, but she can’t be pregnant, not with all this bullshit going on. Although she almost wishes this was her reason for throwing up. Yet he keeps playing innocent, helping her lay on bed.

“I SAID DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”

“Are you pregnant or not?!”

“What the fuck do I know?!”

“Goddammit, woman, I’m not attacking you, I’m just fucking asking.”

“Why do you even care?!”

“Good question.” He replies dryly as he fetches cleaning products “It wouldn’t even be mine, anyway.”

Ouch. That cut, that cut deep.

“So, what is it? Do you wanna have a baby again?”

“I don’t know, sometimes I do, but then I remember…Everything, and just…”

“You’re confused. You’re not even good at this gay thing.” She feels so many emotions at once while saying that that her brain doesn’t pick up on one specifically and makes her pronounce it in the most weirdly empty tone.

“I’m not confused about _that_ , Allison. Having a baby now will never make me straight, just like having Carolina didn’t make me straight, just like _you_ didn’t make me straight.”

“Yeah, because apparently it costs you too much to be normal for once.”

Leonard freezes. His lips quiver for a second, then he clenches his fists and stares at her, his eyes look like he’s trying to incinerate her. Fuck off, he’s not gonna play the gay card to justify grooming and fucking a seventeen year old. Yet he insists with this farce, he just mouth ‘normal’ back at her and then steps to the private bathroom to get rid of the dirty rag and grab a razor. He holds it up with a crazed expression.

“Keep telling me what is in my fucking head, can’t wait to hear more.”

Allison groans “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Oh, you’ll see.” He rolls up one sleeve and takes the razor to it, onto the already fresh cuts, holding back a pained noise “Because I’m fucking crazy and I can’t get my shit together, right? Right!”

He wheezes, then the wheezing turns into a hysterical laugh.

“You’re right, you’re always right!” he keeps cutting “Are you happy now? I bet you are.”

“Stop it, you’re gonna wake up Carolina.”

“Since when do you care about Carolina?!” he cuts faster and more vigorously “You’ve been leaving us alone ever since she was born, just say that you don’t give a shit.”

“You’re so fucking self-centred that you can’t believe I care about Carolina because I’m tired of your whiny ass like anyone else would?!”

“Right, anyone else. I don’t believe it anymore.”

Why does he sound so sure of himself, what the fuck does that mean?!

“Ohhh, I forgot about Sheila. I’m assuming she’s the exception.” She mocks him “Do you know that she doesn’t really want to be your friend? Do you know that she wants to fuck you?”

“Say what you want, Sheila has always helped me for all these years. Especially with Carolina - I should make an AI after her, actually, because she helps me for real. She _is_ my friend, no matter how much it pisses you off.”

No. NO. Leonard is stubborn, always has been, but he’s supposed to back off by now. He’s supposed to apologize, to get on his knees and eat her out in hopes for forgiveness, to believe that no one else will ever fucking love him, that no one else will clean up after his mess. He is insane and should be treated as such, he should be slapped in the face with the real facts instead of his delusions.

“Mh. We’ll see. Hope you like her hands trying to grab your dick when you start crying about not even good at being a faggot.”

“No need to worry about that. I am good at being a faggot!” the grin that is now appearing on his face, paired with the crazy eyes, makes him look scary. Now he’s cutting _her_ with the razor, and it burns, what the fuck. “I like cock more than you do, and that’s saying something.”

It takes all the strength in the world to hold back the punch that she wants to land on his face. Why, why is he such a fucking asshole?! Why is he leaving her, he’s supposed to stay and wait, why can’t he even follow the rules of this relationship?! He should be hers, hers and no one else’s!

Only when she hears the sound of the razor hitting the floor she realizes that she’s kissing him, pushing him against the wall. It must’ve been a weird reflex, but she’s glad it kicked in because she doesn’t want to believe that he’s that fucked up, she really wants to hold on to the whiny yet loyal man that has the biggest heart of the world, under the fifty layers of bastard. She can swear that for a moment, just a moment, he melted in her arms and silently begged for more, yet he’s pushing her away.

“What the fuck?!” he pants, seeming legitimately shocked for some reason.

“Yeah, maybe it wasn’t the smartest solution after throwing up, I just wanted you stop your bullshit for one fucking second.”

“You could’ve fucking decked me on the spot, it’s not like I don’t expect that at this point.”

“Can you make your goddamn mind already?! You always bitch at me when I hit you and now you’re gonna bitch at me for a kiss?!”

“You’re just mad at me because I don’t need you anymore.” He tries to insist, but he’s faltering. Allison is glad to see him falter.

“You know you do.”

“And you were gonna prove it with that kiss?”

“I literally just said it was only to make you shut up.”

“Well, you’re not going to make me shut up, this time, and you better not be pregnant because I’m seeing a guy, we’ve been going out for a few days and I’ll tell you what, I think I like him already.”

“He just wants to fuck you.” She spits out defensively. He’ll never be the hook up type, she is, he’s confusing the roles.

“Well, I sure hope he does!”

“Looking forward to see if you’re gonna be this proud of yourself when he breaks your heart.”

Nothing, he just gets more defiant.

“Yeah, and I’m looking forward to see if you’re gonna be this proud of yourself when he breaks my ass.”

She kisses him again, this time consciously. He tries to fight it, but she doesn’t let it get to her although it hurts, because she knows he’ll just keep yapping. All she has to do is kiss him long enough that he stops wanting to talk and prove her wrong, long enough to bring back peace for a while. Many times, even if for different reasons, he’d been making a scene like this, playing hard to get because of his fucking pride, literally fighting on that fucking bed, but eventually he’d loosen up and he’d gladly let her take over him, this time it’s taking way too fucking long, whimpering like he actually doesn’t want her, not even deep within. But he does!  
His eyes fill with tears, he’s looking at her like she needs Jesus, and for what? God, he’s so fucking stupid.

She pins him down by holding him tighter, and realizes only after that her hands are all bloody from grabbing his wrists. She withdraws immediately, panting as much as him.

“You okay?”

“What was that for?”

“I..I don’t know.”

He looks at her with a weird expression, a mix between disappointment and judgment. Like he doesn’t believe what she just said.

“…What now?”

“You still think it’s a phase.”

“Look, if you’re really like that then you can’t expect me to assimilate it like it’s nothing, it takes time.”

“And how much time does it take you to understand that you can’t turn me straight?”

So he really is playing the gay card. The audacity of this bitch has no limits.

“Let’s hear, when the _fuck_ did I say that I was going to turn you straight?!”

“I don’t know, why the fuck do you think you’re kissing me?!”

Allison freezes. Oh God, is she that desperate? He’s supposed to be the desperate one, not her. What the hell is going on?! He might be right this time. She doesn’t want him to be, because this is not who she is.

“I’m not homophobic.”

“But you’re sure acting like it.”

A tear runs down his cheek, he brings his hand to his eye to wipe it and stains his face with blood instead.

“I didn’t mean to…” her voice is barely louder than a whisper. She wants to add something, but she doesn’t know what to say, and he doesn’t say anything. She glances at the open door of their private bathroom “Just wait here a second.”

She fetches some bandages and makes him sit down, medicating his wounds attentively.

“I’m sorry.” Is all she can say, but it’s heartfelt. He nods, but still doesn’t say anything. “I didn’t kiss you because I don’t want you to be gay.”

“Then why?”

“Because I don’t want you to be with someone else.”

“What does it change if I’m with someone else? We broke up.”

“Yeah…”

A long moment of silence follows. She has to be understanding, to let him open up. Sheila always brags about making him safe, anyway, but fuck that bitch, Allison is perfectly capable of making him safe. She’ll listen, even if she would rather not. Man, she’s so fucking pathetic, hoping that the message she saw isn’t real, that she’s actually misunderstanding it and that he didn’t fuck that kid. It’s pretty much an unmistakable sight…

“So…What’s his name?”

“Huh?”

“The guy you’re dating. What’s his name?”

“John.”

She groans. _Fucking hell, Leonard, if you want to lie can you at least not pick the most basic and common name that is blatantly a lie?!_ As if “John” is a name that’s in fashion for teenagers nowadays. Man, how is she gonna recognize Doogie? She doesn’t know his real name nor what he looks like. She can just assume he’s short since based on the description of their first meeting Leonard didn’t mistake him for an adult not even for a second. Before sticking his dick inside of him, that is. Fucking disgusting piece of shit, she hates him, she’s gonna fucking kill h—no. She has to listen and be understanding. Listen and be understanding. Hopefully this is all a weird dream.

“What does he do for a living?”

“He said he works in marketing.”

“Mh.” He answered so fast, he must have the list of lies ready “Has he fucked you yet?”

“What?! No!”

_Liar._

“Why not?”

“I’ve only known him for a week!”

“You said you’ve been going out for a few days already. Figured it meant you had least three dates.”

“We just had a quick coffee and one proper date.”

“Aw, and did you kiss?” she asks mockingly, without being sure why she’s mocking him.

“Yeah.”

“Did you suck his dick? You said you loved sucking dick in high school.”

“I’m not in high school anymore. I can’t just suck anyone’s dick, sex is a big deal!”

_Yeah, and so is statutory rape. If he fucked that kid consensually at all._

“Is it?” this one comes out almost distractedly.

“For me? Yeah, it is.”

“Right, because you’re very picky about who you have sex with!”

Leonard seems thrown off guard by that answer. He tilts his head, but then decides to be a fucking brat, because of course he decides to be a fucking brat.

“One of us has to.”

She clenches her fists. Does she really have to hold back her anger? Does she really, when the situation is this fucked up? Somehow it ended up being her going overboard when he cut himself in front of Carolina, it’s always her fucking fault, so she might as well snap, right? Right.

“So what’s your age range? All those of your kind have one.”

“Huh?”

“ _I know what you did_.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You had sex with that kid.”

“WHAT?!” he gasps in shock, he has the fucking nerve to gasp in shock! Oh God, it really is time to talk about this shit, isn’t it?

“Doogie. You had sex with Doogie!”

He goes silent for a moment, then shakes his head.

“I can’t fucking believe it.”

“Yeah, me neither, AND YET…!”

“And yet what?”

“Leonard, this is not okay. You can say you’re gay all you want, it doesn’t change anything. It’s still fucked up, and I swear to God you’re never seeing Carolina again after this.”

Why is it him giving her the disgusted look? He doesn’t have the right to, she’s the one who’s rightfully disgusted!

“So that’s what you think. That because I said I’m gay, I have sex with kids.”

“Yeah. Wait! No.”

“ _No_? Then why are you insisting with this bullshit?!”

“Your phone. It lit up, and—I didn’t mean to see the message, but I did.”

“What message?” he turns to look for the phone and picks it up, checks the message in question “He’s just thanking me for celebrating his birthday with him.”

“Yeah! You must’ve done something really special for him to thank you like that. Said it was his first time…”

“That’s exactly it, Allison.” he replies sarcastically, but she’s not sure he’s really joking “I had sex with Doogie. He was my bitch! He called me daddy the whole time! I was so disappointed when I looked at the clock and noticed that I was too late and he was already eighteen by the time I was inside of him.”

“Stop making fun of me, this is serious. Did you have sex with him or not?!”

Once again, he doesn’t say anything and stares at her. He should be denying, why isn’t he denying?!

“I’m gonna go back to sleep. It’s too early for this shit.”

Or maybe it’s too late. Matter of points of view, probably.

“Agreed. Goodnight, asshole.”

He goes back to sleep for real, as if he doesn’t need to explain anything. So this is what it all has come to? Alright, then. Whatever. She’ll go to sleep too, then. Good, she’s so fucking tired anyway.

She sleeps for more time than she expected. It was a stressful week, she could barely process the rest of the information and now this? It’s just too much, but at least it’s so much that she can’t prevent herself from crashing and she gets a bit of sleep. That’s already something. She sleeps quite well, actually, and for a moment, upon waking up, she forgets about her problems. Extends her arms to reach for Leonard, to caress him, but she doesn’t find him.  
She opens her eyes and he’s not there with her. The door of the private bathroom is open and he’s not in there either, maybe he’s in the kitchen already? No, he’s not.

There are new drawings by Carolina on the fridge. One is daddy sitting at a table with a man, and there’s a little square with a black scribble inside. The arrow that points at it says ‘COFE’ and the arrow that points at the man says ‘JOHN’. So he really is dating a guy named John? Doesn’t look like Doogie to her, despite never having seen him, he just doesn’t have ‘Doogie vibes’ to him, so it’s another person entirely.  
The other drawing is three sets of couples. One with a boy and a girl, one with two boys and one with two girls. Girls are in red and boys are in blue. There’s a rainbow that links them all and under it the writing ‘LOVE IS LOVE’. _Somebody_ gave Carolina the talk.

Part of Allison is angry at Leonard for approaching the subject at all, a part of her instead just pities him because it must’ve been very hard to try to tell her about it. There are no hearts between him and this John guy in the drawing, though, and they’re only having coffee, he must’ve told her that they’re just friends and given her a more general speech about the gays. Now to explain her that mommy doesn’t hate daddy for liking boys, rather because he fucked up…Or, well, possibly fucked up. It’s not like he’s the type to sleep with teenagers, and maybe the text was not a big enough proof. Yet she feels that there’s something, but she realizes it’s her pride getting in the way. She just wants to have a reason to dump him, doesn’t she?

She’ll swallow her pride and formulate a proper apology, but first she has to talk to Carolina. Maybe he’s talking to her already, because he can’t be seen anywhere else in the house, so she goes to Carolina’s room to help him with the talk. She’s not there either. Her closet is wide open and it’s empty. Where the hell are they?!  
She runs back to her room and Leonard’s clothes are gone too. They’re both gone.  
The travel bags are gone as well, is he fucking leaving the country or something?! Why did he leave with Carolina, where the fuck are they going?! Where is he taking her?!

Allison frantically looks for her phone, switches it on, ignores the notifications from the obligatory dickpicks from Dixon and all those other idiots, and notices she has voicemail from Leonard’s number. Blood freezes in her veins as she hears him on the other end of the phone, clearly drunk:

“So this is what you think about me, huh?! Well, too bad for you, I beat you! You can take away my friends, my dignity, my fucking will to live, but I’m not letting you take my daughter!” he interrupts himself by pressing on the car horn and yelling at some other car “GET OUT THE WAY!”

“Daddy, please, you’re going too fast!” cries Carolina. Poor thing sounds terrified.

“The faster, the better, we gotta hurry up!”

“Where are we going?!”

“To a better place, I promise! You won’t worry about mommy anymore.”

A better place?! _Oh God, please don’t be what I think that is_ , Allison panics.

“Why can’t she come with us? We can restart together—”

“SHUT UP, I TAKE THE DECISIONS HERE!” he barks at her, making her whimper from fear, then speaks back at Allison through the phone “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU STUPID BITCH, YOU’RE FINALLY GETTING WHAT YOU WANTED!”

“Daddy, you’re not supposed to be on the phone in the car!” Carolina tries to make him listen to reason, but he continues.

“YOU’RE SO COMMITTED TO LEAVING US? LET’S SEE WHAT YOU DO WHEN WE LEAVE YOU!”

“DADDY, BE CAREFUL! PLEASE, I—”

Carolina is interrupted by a prolonged, loud, infernal noise, and then lets out a scream. The communication cuts out.

Allison feels her heart and brain fill with fog and explode at the same time, immediately calls the number without even knowing what the fuck to expect:

“HELLO?! HELLO?!” she frantically shouts as the call is picked up.

“Allison.” Sheila’s voice answers on the other end of the phone is calm but very serious.

“I..The voicemail! WHERE ARE LEONARD AND CAROLINA, WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?! ARE THEY OKAY?!”

“They’re fine.”

“REALLY?!”

“Yeah, really. They’re here at my house. They had a car accident right in the street next to where I live. The car is destroyed, but they’re safe.”

“Thank God! Okay, I’m coming there immediately!”

“Alright, see you soon.”

She too drives her motorcycle like crazy to get to destination, but she’s not drunk, she’s not entirely there but also fully there, a weird mix of focus and spacing out that only adrenaline can give. She even scares a couple of Sheila’s next door neighbours as she runs up the stairs, almost kicking the door open. Carolina is startled by the noise, but runs to her as soon as she recognizes her.

“MOMMY!”

“CAROLINA!” she lifts her up and hugs her as tight as she can “I WAS SO WORRIED! ARE YOU OKAY?!”

The girl doesn’t respond and just starts crying instead. It takes her several minutes of cuddling and reassurance to calm down.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah…A little bit.”

“Where’s daddy?”

“He’s sleeping.”

“Is he sick?”

“He was sick when he was driving. I think he’s gonna be sick when he wakes up too.”

“Yeah…” she turns to Sheila, who is just standing there awkwardly and looking at them with a concerned expression “Thanks for looking after her.”

“No problem.”

“How’s Leonard? Did he say anything before passing out?”

Sheila sighs.

“It’s complicated.”

“Thought so…We should talk about it in private, but I don’t wanna leave Carolina alone in a time like this.”

“I see. We could watch morning cartoons with her and whisper over it until Leonard wakes up.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

A fair share of the time is spent by just watching cartoons all together without saying anything as Carolina sits a couple of chairs away. Perhaps it’s a little odd, but they could use some relaxation. Then after a while Sheila starts the whispering:

“Before leaving the house, he said he needed to talk to me. He probably wanted advice on what to do with Carolina, but I’m not sure he planned on stopping by. Maybe he wanted to go somewhere else…”

“Was he…Agitated during that call?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think that he…?” she can barely continue the sentence, still shaken by the mere idea that he could do something like that “Do you think that he wanted to kill himself and Carolina in the crash?”

“Oh God…I didn’t even consider that.”

“Heh. I bet…” Allison shakes her head “I’m so fucking tired.”

“Maybe he wanted to go with the guy I introduced him to.”

Ah, so it _is_ true that she found him a man.

“John?”

“Yeah.”

“What about Doogie?” she can’t help but ask.

“What about him?” Sheila seems confused.

“Did Leonard tell you anything about him?”

“They celebrated his birthday yesterday. Leonard drove him around town to do all the things he likes, and we also threw a small party for him at the office.”

“Is he…?” she feels silly for asking this “Is he cute?”

“He is! That boy is the embodiment of the word ‘adorable’.”

“Mh. Is he gay too?”

Sheila looks confused.

“I have no idea. I think he has to figure himself out, still.”

“Ah.” She’d like to be more pressing about the issue, but she knows she sounds stupid enough already “Okay, then.”

“You’re asking me because of his crush, right?”

“What crush?!”

“Doogie has a huge crush on Leonard. Tried to attract him a quite a few times, if I gotta be honest, but you know how your man is, even if they got closer lately. He rejected him, told him to go play with kids his age, and actually took care of him like a mentor would.”

“So there’s nothing between them?”

“Other than mutual admiration? I don’t think there’s anything else.”

“And what about John?”

“He’s trying, but he doesn’t really feel at ease with him. I’m glad he’s starting to look around, but he’s probably not ready for a date yet.”

_Of course you’re glad he’s starting to look around._

“So what are you gonna do about it?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. Are you trying to fix him up with a guy again or—”

“It’s not up to me to decide.”

“Oh, really?” she scoffs “Like you’re not studying a way to finally get in his pants!”

“ _You really think I’ve never had sex with him during your other break ups?_ ”

Blood freezes in Allison’s veins again. What the fuck does this mean now?! Why can’t he give her a fucking break for one second?! No, Sheila must be provoking her. Leonard has never even thought of looking at another woman, much less of having sex with one…Right?

“No you haven’t.” she insists, struggling to maintain a low volume.

“Well, we didn’t go all the way through with it, but we started. On multiple occasions.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Depends on what you call it, then.”

Allison pretends not to hear, head up high in pride, but Sheila continues, whispering viciously.

“What do you call it when he brings Carolina here multiple days a week because he knows I’d be a good mother for her, sleeps over in the same bed as me, cuddles naked with me in the bathtub, cups my face and tells me he wishes you were more like me after we give each other oral? What do you call it when he feels guilty because I can make him cum more easily than you, because I actually make _love_ to him instead of beating the crap out of him during sex? What do you call it when he insists that you’re the only one, that it’s all platonic ‘and we should never do it again’, yet agrees as long as he can call your name but eventually always moans mine and hates coming home to your punches and kicks?”

Alright, that’s it. This bitch is asking for punches and kicks herself. Carolina is right there with them, though, she can’t start yet another fucking fight. She’s gonna have to sass her.

“So it’s you that turned him gay? Gave him such bad sex that he never wants to be near a pussy again?”

“If that’s what you’re understanding from what I just told you, then you’re probably not ready to have this conversation.”

“Well, then. As soon as he’s okay again, I’m taking my man back home.”

Allison gets up abruptly, to which Carolina turns to look at her but Sheila reassures her patting her shoulder. Allison gets to Sheila’s room, where Leonard is asleep, very much predictably not wearing clothes for the day, the bitch must’ve been so ‘servile’ to undress him and change him into sleeping clothes.  
She sits next to him on the bed and caresses his hand, and after a bit he wakes up.

“Allison…”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yeah, you scared the shit out of me! I thought you and Carolina were dead.”

“Carolina!” he jolts, sitting up “How’s Carolina, is she okay?!”

“She’s alright, but I need to know that you won’t hurt yourself like this anymore.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“No, you have to promise me!” she suddenly hugs him tight “You know I hate goodbyes…”

“Mh…”

“What is it?”

“I was thinking of all the things you said…”

“What things?”

“That I’m crazy, that no one else would ever like me and put up with my shit…I thought that if I had to be a burden like that, then—”

“No. I was wrong. I’ll take care of you.”

“But I’m supposed to man up and take care of you.”

“Look…We’ll make it work.”

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to. Maybe you should just leave and find another partner in the military that can give you what you want.”

“But I want you.”

“Why would you ever want _me_?”

“I can have sex with anyone, but there’s only two people I want to spend my life with, you and Carolina.”

“…Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Look…” he sighs “If you’re saying this because you think I’m loyal, just know that I fucked up. I’ve only ever wanted to be with you, you know it, even now, even if I _do_ like men, but…Doogie, John…I just wanted someone to hang out with, someone to treat me right after breaking up like this. As for Sheila, well…She treated me right more than anyone else and I…I was stupid, I’m sorry.”

“We were on a break. You don’t have to apologize.”

“But—”

“Hey. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” he asks once again, so vulnerable and in need of reassurance that he doesn’t even realize he’s giving her the most adorable puppy eyes. There's something so pure about him, about his love. She wants it all for herself. Oh yes, she should totally bring back the cage now.

“Yeah, I’m sure!” she insists “But you don’t have to get back with me after what I did to you…”

“I fucked up too, we’re even. God knows I fucked up too!”

“Yeah…” she holds back a small dry laugh “Yeah, you did. It’s okay, though. I promise I’ll keep going to therapy and trying to get better. After the coming out, after what happened today…I just realized that yes, maybe I was mad, and maybe I was right about it, but…It’s not worth losing you over it. Both of you.”

Upon hearing those words, Leonard tightens the hug. She plants a kiss on his forehead.

“Come on. Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'fun fact': I originally intended Allison to be actually pregnant and have a miscarriage upon Leonard stabbing her, but this chapter was very long and messed up already, so I went for him injurying her and her sickness being a consequence of shock only.


End file.
